Without further delay here is a small sample of Things that Bother Me: The Triathlete Edition ...
- The Aero-Wienie Triathlete: This is the guy (yes, this is 99.9% dudes) that will spend thousands of dollars on "aero" advantages but will never even consider the possibility that dropping a few (or many) pounds will do so much more. The next time someone tells me the exact time savings an aero helmet (about 8mins in case you were wondering) will save over 112mi course I will reply by asking how much of a time savings can be had by removing 20lbs of fat from his ass?
- The Gadgeteer Triathlete: Us triathletes love us all the fads and gadgets! We must be an absolute wet dream to Marketing Directors. Jason bought the new Speedfil A2 Torpedo Mount Hydration system last week and I could not wait for his review. I emailed him a ton of questions and ideas about the product and for his review. Other endurance athlete do not seem to be as enamored with the new and shiny as triathletes. The Gadgeteer would choice a new device over actual training to improve performance! Actually this doesn't really bother me, might have to change the title!
- The "I Am Spartacus" Triathlete: You've all heard this joke: "When you walk into a room how do you know who is a Triathlete? They will tell you!" Since it is true it is okay to laugh. This is mostly newer triathletes. They are sort of like six-month old puppies who are so proud to show you the pair of shoes he just chewed up. Cute but sometimes a touch overbearing!
- The "Just a Training Run" Triathlete: This guy is my personal favorite! He is the person at a running race who needs to let us all know he is a triathlete (related to I Am Spartacus). He will be recognizable by his sporting of head-to-toe lycra, rocking a hydration belt with four flasks, sipping on an energy gel, proudly displaying an M-Dot logo on all clothing - except his socks because he is not wearing them under his Vibram Five Fingers, and he loudly proclaims time and time again that this is just a training run for him because he still has to ride 40miles after the race. This is all done to prove to everyone that he is so much more hardcore than just runners. Look for this guy at your next race, he might just be you.
- The I am so Vain I have a Blog Triathlete: umm. ahh. cough. scratch. What is that ov-er there?
- The Zero Variance from Training Plan Triathlete: This person is usually quite the rule follower of society and does not deal well with changes to their training plan. You have probably done a group ride or run with this person. It could be in the early spring when the sun is out for the first time following winter. Someone in the group suggests adding a little extra distance and everyone enthusiastically agrees except Mr Training Plan Follower. He explains that he has already reached the distance his coach told him to do and will do no more. Now this same guy will call you all a bunch of pansies if you ever cut a ride shorter than his plan calls for.
- The Huge Bag of Gear at the Pool Triathlete: Pull Buoy - check; Flippers - check; Paddles - check; Snorkle - check; GoPro Video Camera - check; Clear Goggles - check; Yellow Tinted Goggles - check; Dark Reflective Goggles - check; PB&J Sandwich for Refueling - check; Workout Typed and in ZipLock Bag - check; Hydration in Bottle - check; Gel Packets - check; TriSlide - check; Waterproof iPod Case - check; Getting Lapped by a Blue Hair in the Next Lane - check. Did you forget anything?
- The Cannot Change a Flat Triathlete: I've experienced this person many a times during races and training rides and the vast majority of the time this person is a chick! C'mon ladies, admit it, you cannot change a flat. You just bat your eyes at the skinny, dork male triathlete and let his male ego take over. I am on to your little game. And once all the other dudes read this they will have an epiphany and we will all band together and deny you our flat changing skills from this point forward. Okay, chicas, you've been warned - now watch this and take notes:
The over/under is 5 for the number of ladies who will tell me in the comments they can change a flat. Smart money is on the under!
I am guilty of 4 out of 8 of these little indiscretions. Can you guess which ones? Anything else bother you about Triathletes?
Thanks for Reading,
If you liked this Things that Bother Me here are some from the past:
Things that Bother Me: The Gym Edition
Things that Bother Me ...