The Anatomy of a Bad (Trainer) Movie

With this being the chilly season us endurance peeps have all been spending a lot of time on our indoor bike trainers and thus watching a ton of movies.  Selecting the perfect movie can sometimes be a difficult decision.  You do not want something that is too engaging because you'll become engrossed in the film and your workout will suffer.  You also do not want something that is boring because it can have the same effect and your focus will go right out the window.  Hard choices, right?  I tackle the difficult issues over here at the Carrot folks!

So Jeff, what type of movies do you want to watch while on the trainer?

Very simple:  THE BAD ONES.

Hear me out.  Certain movies are so bad that you can sit back and watch them and just laugh at the awfulness.  These movies have scenes that are so poorly acted and directed that you actually think to yourself "did that really just happen?"  You find yourself in such awe of the lack of any type of plot and/or screenplay that you sit on your saddle just pedaling away as the minutes seem to fly right by.  At some point in these movies you actually get angry that millions of dollars were spent to produce this shit-fest and the next thing you know you are in the middle of a spontaneous interval session.  And the best part is if you are doing an hour session and it is a two hour movie you can just turn it off when done and not feel compelled to watch the rest of it.  This movie sucks so you do not need to even waste the extra time to finish it - what is more perfect and efficient than that?

Now in recent years a ton of bad movies have been made. I'd say pretty much 7 out of 10 movies released suck ass.  But not every bad movie falls into the bad "trainer" movie category.  These particular movies all have a little something special and luckily for you I went ahead and made a checklist so you can pre-qualify the craptastic flick you will view during your next sufferfest.

 The Bad "Trainer" Movie Checklist:

- Usually a Colossal Box Office Failure - cost more to make than it earned.
- Has some Hollywood Stars in the cast. Can be current stars but usually are washed up has beens.
- You can tell from the first scene these "Stars" are mailing the performance in - Stars have mortgages too!
- The feel of the film is that it takes itself extremely serious - this eliminates most B-movies. (Sorry Sharktopus!)
- Bonus points if it falls under the Science Fiction category.
- Shitty special effects.
- Lack of a compelling story - this is key.  If the story is just dumb it leads to enhanced emotionally driven music and over-the-top speeches that try (but fail) to add some type of connection to the characters.  These poorly executed attempts lead to more anger intervals.
- It is so bad that you find humor in it thus making it re-watchable.  Some movies are just unwatchable. They do not fall into our category.  These movies are usually reserved for my wife and her friends and I refer to them as chick flicks.

Okay, now that I have gone over the categories you probably have a few movies in mind and have already started filling up your Netflix queue.   This is good and you next seasons bike splits can thank me later.  However, I have went ahead and found the perfect movie that takes the prize in the Bad "Trainer" Movie category. 

And the winner is ...

BATTLEFIELD EARTH

Battlefield Earth is a 2000 American science fiction film adapted from the novel of the same name by L. Ron Hubbard. It was directed by Roger Christian, and stars John Travolta, Forest Whitaker and Barry Pepper. The film depicts an Earth that has been under the rule of the alien Psychlos for 1,000 years and tells the story of the rebellion that develops when the Psychlos attempt to use the surviving humans as gold miners

This shitfest of a movie that was released in 2000 absolutely nails everyone of the about listed checklist points.  And it receives bonus points because it was recently voted the worst movie of the last decade - it is just awful but for some reason extremely rewatchable?  L. Ron Hubbard is the founder of Scientology so this adds to the humorous suckitude of the film.  If you haven't seen this movie consider yourself lucky.  If you have a 3hr sufferfest planned for Saturday morning go swing by Wal-Mart and pick this up in the $3.99 DVD bin.

Honorable Mentions:

1. Waterworld (1995) - This spectacular failure of a film starring Kevin Costner was at the time one of the most expensive films ever made. And, conversely, one of the largest Box Office failures ever. It is a post apocalyptic thriller in which all the ice caps melt and the world is underwater (hence the title) and Kevin Costner has gills.  Yep, I just typed that.

2. The Postman (1997) -  Kevin Costner is two-for-two in the honorable mention category.  This time he is once again in post apocalyptic America and he rallies what is left of the country by assembling refugees to deliver the mail.  I shit you not - this is the story.  This maybe my favorite re-watchable bad trainer movie.

3. Reign of Fire (2002) - This is once again a tale in a world that has gone to hell.  This time at the fury of fire breathing dragons.  The best part is that somehow both Christian Bale and Matthew McConaughey read this script and thought it was a good idea to make this movie?  It once again hits all the major checkpoints - except special effects, they aren't too bad.  This one really makes you mash the pedals when you see Puff the Magic Dragon bearing down on our stars!

I am feeling a little embarrassed right now because I just typed out the three descriptions of the movies above from memory - wow.

Alright, there you have it. The sure fire solutions to finding the perfect bad trainer movies.  I highly recommend printing this checklist out, lamenting it, and taking it to the Red Box with you.

Thanks for Reading,

Jeff

P.s. - Yes, I watched Battlefield Earth on Showtime last night.  I am not proud of this occurrence but I did get in one heck of a workout!