Thursday, June 30, 2011

Adopt an NFL Player

My buddy Ryan sent me this and thought all you football fans would enjoy!

For maximum effect I suggest you cue up some Sarah Mclachlan while reading:

Can You Help?

Americans have come together as never before in our generation. We have banded together to overcome adversity. We have overcome corporate/government scandal, layoffs, unemployment, stock price plunges, droughts, fires, mad cow, SARS, and high gasoline prices.  But now, we must come together once again to overcome our greatest challenge yet.

Hundreds of Professional Football players in our very own nation are going to be locked out, living at well below the seven-figure salary level. And as if that weren't bad enough they could be deprived of their life giving pay for several months, possibly longer, as a result of the upcoming lockout situation. But you can help!

For only $27,080 a month, about $902.75 a day (that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help an NFL player remain economically viable during his time of need. This contribution by no means solves the problem as it barely covers the annual minimum salary, but it's a start, and every little bit will help!

Although $900 may not seem like a lot of money to you, to a football player it could mean the difference between spending the lockout golfing in Florida or on a Mediterranean cruise. For you, nine hundred dollars is nothing more than a month's rent, a mortgage payment, or a month of medical insurance, but to a football player, $900 will partially replace his daily salary.

Your commitment of less than $900 a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio .


Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. Plus, upon signing up for this program, you will receive an unsigned photo of the player lounging during the lockout on a beach somewhere in the Caribbean (for a signed photo, please include an additional $150). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering.


Your NFL player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator in case additional funds are needed for unforeseen expenses.

Remember, a lifestyle is a horrible thing to waste...


I would like to sponsor a locked out NFL player. My preference is (check below):

[ ] Offense [ ] Defense [ ] Special Teams [ ] Entire team

Please charge the account listed below $902.75 per day for the duration of the lockout. Please send me a picture of the player and my very own Roger Goodell (NFL Commissioner) pin to wear proudly on my hat (include $80 for hat).

Your Name:____________________Telephone Number:___________________
Account Number:__________________Exp.Date:_______

[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Other


Alternate card (when the primary card exceeds its credit limit):
Account Number:_______________________ Exp.Date:_______
[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Other


p.s. If you have a little extra, please enclose for the cheerleaders. Contrary to public opinion, cheerleaders are people too.


Thanks for Reading,



  1. Dude, you kill me! This is hilarious.

  2. OMG OMG I WAS FIRST ON JEFFS BLOG!!! WAHOOOO I feel like such a cool kid!

  3. hilarious! and I would have beat Caratunk Girl except I had trouble with my chinstrap in transition.

  4. Hilarious.

    Does Troy P get extra for hair care products?

    Can we send more to Adrian P for stick 'em so he doesn't fumble as much?

    Can I send more to a CPR professional to make sure that Peyton doesn't choke anymore?

    How about extra to Tom Brady to cover child care?

    Maybe a little bit more for a full body cast for Matthew Stafford?

    I could do this all day.

  5. What a pleasant surprise, a funny post about something manly. But, can you blog and show pics of cute pink cupcakes next time.

  6. K2 (Kellen Winslow Jr.) lives across the pond from me. I have already told him I would mow his lawn if he has trouble paying his lawn crew... (actually I haven't because he hasn't come back from his primary home in San Diego yet.... but I will when he gets back...... if his house doesn't end up in foreclosure first....)

  7. hee hee.

    I am kind of bummed that the JETS aren't doing their training camp at my alma mater again this year, it really brought a lot of cashola to the local economy. Plus I don't get to look at Mark Sanchez. : )

  8. Chris, I should get extra manly points for including a Sarah Mclachlan reference and still not making it girly. That is no easy task my friend!

  9. Can we send some more to Plaxico so he can purchase a holster for his gun?

    Can we send the money in $1 bills so PacMan Jones can continue to "make it rain"?

  10. Mandy, That is like being the tallest midget!

  11. Hey

    Don't forget about the poor NBA players. They are about to be locked out of their jobs!!

    Good thing the NHL (hockey) players settled and don't have to endure these hardships!

  12. You just need that Sarah McLachlan Angel song they use for the ASPCA commercials playing the background.

  13. Best line - cheerleaders are people too.


  14. That's just funny! Thanks for the post! :)

  15. Funny stuff. This lock out thing just ticks me off. Let's argue over how many millions each other make and alienate the fans. Sad thing is, it's my favorite sport so I'll go back to watching whenever they resolve this. Go Steelers!

  16. Jeff,
    that's not nice... Mandy is about 4foot nothing....

  17. Maybe there's a way to start shorting Disney stock to finance my adoption. Just think of the advertising revenue ESPN/ABC will lose.

  18. Ha! Very funny!

    And we don't say midget, we say vertically challenged ;P

  19. BHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Too bad I can think of $900 worth of gear everyday that I want, sorry NFL, you think you have it rough, try being an AG'er athlete

  20. That's is fan-damn-tastic!!

  21. Living in Dallas you lost me at "buddy Ryan". Unfortunately the reference to a "401(k)" reveals this as a joke no matter how brutally honest the rest of it is.

    Actually, I thought this whole thing was going to be about the suffering of the couch-potatoes with no NFL, NBA, or NHL.

  22. lol, hilarious!

    I am one of the fans that the media keeps talking about that will go crazy if the NFL season doesn't happen this year - I hope they solve the lockout! I'm a huge 49er fan, and love watching football!

    now the NBA - that league can go away forever and I wouldn't miss it at all1 haha

  23. Jeff, this is a serious issue and I am glad that you brought it to the attention of Americans, so that we may help in any way possible.

    Several years ago I remember seeing a spoof on television with a group asking Michael J. Fox for money to invest in "Children of the Hills". Of course, it was unbeknownst to MJF that it was a spoof. The children of the hills were children of Beverly Hills, and it showed them riding horses and shopping down Rodeo Drive. The television commercial asked for money to help them maintain their lifestyles. Too freaking funny, man.