Friday, August 12, 2011

Things that Bother Me: The Gym Edition

With the temperatures here in Texas mimicking the surface of the sun quite a bit of my time in training has been spent indoors at the gym. This is not a bad thing as the gym I go to is a huge LifeTime Fitness with four pools and a gazillion treadmills. The square footage of this place makes many a Super Wal-Marts blush and we are fortunate to have such a great place to train when the mercury reaches hell-like levels.

With a gym this size means that I am going to have to encounter that which bothers me more than anything else in the world: Other People.

This edition of Things that Bother Me will be entirely focused on certain types of folks at the gym:


  • 30 Second Treadmill Guy - This is always a dude. He gets on the treadmill, usually the one right next to me, and does a series of stretches for his arms (makes no sense?) and then proceeds to crank the treadmill up as fast as it can go. He usually hangs on for about 30 seconds and then stops and leaves.  And as he leaves he usually struts away like he is Ben Johnson! Great workout dude, thanks for playing.


  • The Checking out my Stats Treadmill Guy - Once again this is always a dude. Last week this happened two times in one run. A guy gets on the treadmill next you and is constantly looking at your speed and distance? It is a treadmill buddy! We are not moving? And I am not racing you? This is more annoying than anything else just because you are trying to get your workout in and you sense the eyes upon you.
  • The Shaving Naked Guy - There is this one guy I have seen a few times when I come into the locker room after Master's swim. He is completely naked shaving his face standing at the sink. This is not what bothers me.  It is that his junk is resting on the sink. Seriously, you cannot toss on a towel and keep the boys off the counter? I openly wish that the guy with athlete's foot was cleaning out his toe gunk on that very spot on the sink!

  • The Using Blow Dryer for your Junk Guy - This major infraction has been witnessed on many occasions. Usually it is an elderly guy. He takes the blow dryer and holds it under his towel to dry off his balls.  It is very classy!

  • The Guy Who Needs the Locker Right Next to Me - As mentioned early the LTF I frequent is ginormous. This means the locker room is rather spacious as well. However, it never fails that I will be standing at my locker getting changed and someone will come in and want the locker right next to or above me. There are literally 1000 other open lockers with no one around them and they have to choose this locker? People become such creatures of habit that they cannot move to another locker - just ridiculous. A few months back I actually yelled at a guy who attempted this, felt bad afterwards but it needed to be done.
  • The Entire Gym Parking Lot - The front of the gym where traffic intersects is tight. Yet this does not prevent people from stopping to pick-up others at the front door. This backs up all the other cars trying to find a place to park. My scientific study has shown that 9 out of 10 people who do this are fatasses. Glad you are off the couch chubby now walk that extra 20 yards to the car.

  • The LifeTime Fitness Music Video Channel - This is quite awful. If you are at a LTF and forget your iPod I suggest you go home because the music will drive you crazy. Thanks to the video channel I now realize all current top 40 music absolutely sucks and every video is the same: Scantily clad singer/dancer chick, surrounded by a bunch of other scantily clad dancer chicks, they begin suggestively dancing in some pyramid scheme with the lead chick at the top, they may or may not be in water/mud/cafeteria/jungle, a group of scantily clad muscular guys at some point during the song enter the video.  Boom! I just directed and produced a LTF music video, genius. 

  • The Text Message Guy/Girl - This group has grown rather significantly over the last few years and us usually a younger crowd but not always. You will be on your treadmill and notice someone come in and jump on a machine. They will sit on this machine for a long time and send a shit-ton of text messages.  Sometimes they will even laugh out loud so we can all see how funny the message they just received was. They may do one or two sets on the machine in between texts but usually will get up and leave without doing any work. 



That is all I got for today!

What do you see at the gym that bothers you?


Thanks for Reading,

Jeff

41 comments:

  1. Dude, I'd probably crash the Blogger servers with the length of comment I want to leave. So I'll just go with one.

    My favorite is the "Increase in net calories despite being at the gym person". They come in with a 64 ounce Jamba Juice, hit a treadmill and set it to about 2MPH. Over the next 20 minutes they walk on the treadmill and finish off the Jamba Juice.

    Now, I am all for people getting out of the house and exercising. But in this particular case, this person would have been better off not lifting their ass off the couch. Because they would have been better of not moving an inch for 20 mins in front of the TV then walking on the treadmill with a smoothie.

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  2. Hilarious.
    At Costco. Reading. This. Cracking up. Ya I look like an idiot laughing at my phone.

    But
    Oh
    So
    Worth
    It.
    Loved
    This.

    My current "bother" are the men who sit right behind the treadmills [on bikes] only so they can watch women's bums jiggle as they run.

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  3. The "come to spin to socialize girls" If you are talking you are not working hard enough.

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  4. The women who come in with full hair/makeup/jewelry in their Juicy sweats and hop on the stair-stepper machine and take teeny tiny steps...nowhere near full range of motion...and think they are getting their workout.

    And don't get me started on "stinky breath treadmill girl."

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  5. All the a-holes at the gym that are not me. I need a personal gym period end of story. I walk into the gym and I immediately want all of them to go in the stretch room and leave me alone.

    But less seriously it is the guy who sits at the end of the lane of the pool and just sits there and doesn't ask to share the lane. I would happily share it with you if you would ask b/c that is less creepy than you just sitting there staring at me swim.

    I also have a guy that goes into the sauna and comes out shadow boxing. You would think this guy would look like Manny Pacquiao right but NO he looks as wide as he is tall. Dude you are sweating up a storm and boxing you should be a featherweight not a super-welterweight.

    Then there is the asshat (your word that I love) who wears the f'n speedo and DOESN'T get in the pool but walks around and then decides that he needs to wear a gallon of cologne. I have smelled this guy while I am swimming. C'mon dude you are at the gym.

    I just took all of Patrick's space so he is not allowed to write anything and I am going to save space for everybody else.

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  6. My 14 year old son who is 140 pounds and benches 280. That bothers me..
    But at least I can point at him and say "That's my son"..

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  7. Hilarious! Every one of those was funny and so true all over the country at different gyms. I've seen them all. The locker-next-to-you-guy is always a classic. Give me a little space, please!

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  8. lol your things that bother me posts crack me up!

    Everything you put here is something that I've witnessed at my gym - and it's the main reason that I never go into the men's locker room except to use the bathroom, I don't want to tough anything in there!

    Gotta say that sometimes I'm guilty of being the "check out the stats treadmill guy", sometimes I'm just curious what other people are running. I try to only do it once and then I'm good, haha And I don't change how fast I'm running based on how fast they are running.

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  9. I'd laugh except that I think the same people visit my pool. Naked guy shaving is my least favorite. *Shudder*

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  10. The nasty guy that is all sweaty from his workout that hops into the pool to rinse off while I am doing laps really pi$$es me off!

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  11. by far it has to be the women that come in all done up. It is so friggin annoying. They look like they should be going to prom not the gym....

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  12. I've read a lot of posts about things at gyms that bother people, but this one made me literally laugh out loud. Especially loved the "encounter that which bothers me more than anything else in the world: Other People" hahaha

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  13. I don't think guys REALLY lay their balls out on the sink/counter. I think you all are making that shit up. That is just way too rank for anyone to do that publicly. But the hair dryer thing... I can see that... there are women who do something similar at the gym I used to go to. And that locker-right-next-to-you thing... that is Murphy's Locker Law. It is a real thing. It ALWAYS happens. And that person is bound to get entirely naked and then turn away from you and bend allllllll the way over... sticking their naked butt as close to your face as possible. I hate the gym now.

    And I don't think you necessarily need that qualifier in front of the word "people".

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  14. Don't forget the guys who scream while doing bench press or squats. More annoying is that they are usually screaming when lifting wussy weights. I go to the gym to do my strength training, but I really hate being indoors.

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  15. This I why I refuse to go to a gym! So lucky to live in Hawaii and not have the heat you guys have!

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  16. ::giggles:: I'd say I'm 15 second treadmill girl with no cranking it up. I'm just bored/tired for no reason after like no time. Heh.

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  17. Love your blog.....

    "Scantily clad singer/dancer chick, surrounded by a bunch of other scantily clad dancer chicks, they begin suggestively dancing in some pyramid scheme with the lead chick at the top, they may or may not be in water/mud/cafeteria/jungle, a group of scantily clad muscular guys at some point during the song enter the video."

    And this is a bad thing because........

    hahahhaa

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  18. BTW, I'm a trainer so I'm feeling ya bro....see this all the time.

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  19. This is hilarious! I have three more to add, first is super sweaty people who don't clean off the machines/equipment. It is DISGUSTING!! I workout hard too but I don't want to sit/touch your sweat once you finish your set. Clean up after yourself!

    Second is people (and this is generally girls) who get on a treadmill or elliptical and read. They are going so slow they aren't getting any kind of workout in, so why are you there?! The gym is not book of the month club!

    Third, and I think this is only at my gym, there is a guy who never swims a full lap. He will start swimming with you, like he's racing you, and then flail along and try to pass you, once he does he starts walking the rest of the length of the pool. And his flailing makes so much waves and chop it's like swimming in OW! If you try and speed up so he can't pass you, he flails even more and makes more chop. He annoys me, but at least I can swim more than half a length of the pool!

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  20. This was hilarious! Makes me appreciate the all womens gym I go to. Although we get plenty of the "full make-up women who cycle very slowly and read a magazine."

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  21. These are awesome! And sadly... they happen at our gym as well.

    I think what annoys me more than anything are the trainers at the gym. I mean, seriously, you are a dude, training a young girl who happens to forget she's out in public with what she's wearing and you have her bending over in front of you to do god knows what. We are on to you, slimeball...

    I also love the ladies then get all all of the treadmills-bikes-ellipticals-enteryourownpieceofequipmenthere and just talk. Don't turn them on or anything. They go through the movements of what that machine is supposed to do, but with zero resistance, speed, anything.

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  22. The guys with his junk on the counter is simply cracking me up - the imagery playing out in my brain is creeping me out now.

    I'm with XLMIC and the whole naked bending over in my face thing. It's like creepy gym porn...and usually old women creepy gym porn...YIKES.

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  23. Ha ha...this was hilarious and disturbing at the same time! The guys junk on the sink....totally GROSS!!!

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  24. I always get the lady who is either loudly talking to her friend next to her on the treadmill or worse talking to her apparently half deaf mother on her cell. I try to give dirty looks but I'm too afraid of falling off the treadmill like the "30 second treadmill" guy next to me did the other day.

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  25. Great post! Old people? *shudder*

    Some yucky looking guy decided that wearing a nude colored speedo would be a good thing to wear in the pool. Or the other old yucky guy wearing the man thong in the pool. WTF PEOPLE!?!?!?!?

    What about the folks who are SO dressed up that they basically come to flirt and find dates. They don't really workout, other than take up space and equipment.

    When did the gym become a pimp?

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  26. I never go to the gym. I think I am missing out. Need to do this when I am bored next time! Great post, funny comments! Thanks Jeff.

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  27. I've never been so happy to be a woman. You can lay your junk on the sink? Really? I am so disturbed by this, yet at the same time facinated with so many questions. Why, being one of them.

    Here are my top five:
    1. People who read on the treadmill.
    2. People who fart on the treadmill beside or in front of you.
    3. People who fling sweat and don't wipe down machines.
    4. Men who clearly do not know the proper form to lift weights, but want to show off.
    5. Finally. People who want to "chat" while you are trying to do speed work on the treadmill.

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  28. First, let me just say that I think that Bridget is referring to you with people farting on the treadmill. I seem to recall a post with you saying something about "... just because you are wearing headphones, doesn't mean everyone else can not hear you fart."

    I have to admit, I shave naked from time to time (when I forget my towel) in the gym. I keep my boys far away from the counter.

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  29. OMG dude. This was hilarious......

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  30. THis entire thing is freaking hysterical!! The dude with his junk on the sink made me laugh out loud!! Maybe it is cooling? The only thing besides his hand that touches his junk?

    ANd blowdrying his junk? LOL

    My favorite part of this whole thing " I am going to have to encounter that which bothers me more than anything else in the world: Other People." LOL.

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  31. I read this a while ago...it just took this long to stop laughing :) This was funny

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  32. hey
    we have the same membership at LTF here in MN !!

    jealous of your ginormus LTF with multiple pools and gazillion treadmills - sounds awesome

    at least your guys wears towel when blow drying junk as ours just go completely al fresco leg on bench and blow dry away

    dudes clipping toenails over the carpet

    jacuuz says wear swimwear yet dudes go in buck nude

    the guy who needs the locker next to you also lives up here

    the best part of this post = that which bothers you (and me ) most = other poeple! ahhahahahaha lol

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  33. - I goto the same gym as Colleen and she is so right about the trainers.

    - Dont forget "talk on the phone gal" she annoys me, I try to stomp on the dreadmill or drop my weights to be loud on purpose around them.

    - I cant believe you forgot "its busy, but I need to take up the whole bench getting ready guy" you know, he has to use the WHOLE 8 foot bench to lay his crap out and doesnt care about the other 10 people getting ready by him.

    - Then there is "rest 8 minutes inbetween sets guy" I can finish almost my whole strength workout by the time he is done, he always seems to know what I want to do and hangs out at that machine or bench.

    - We can go on and on and on about how aqua aerobicers wont share a lane

    - women who wear short boy shorts and sports bra only and get mad that people stare, umm, thats your fault and you did it on purpose.

    - Just think. only 3 and hal;f months to the new years people come back out, ugh, shoot me now

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  34. SO SAD, YET SO TRUE. Sucks. I hate going to the gym for this reason.

    The balls on the sink dude... seriously???

    great recap, but sad to say, TX is NOT winning judging by this post ;)

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  35. I'm so glad I got to read another angry Jeff post! They really are the best.

    Seriously? The guy who blow drys his junk? Ewwwwww!

    I'm not a fan of the parading naked women in the locker room. It's ok to be naked, but you don't need to stand in front of the mirror, doing make-up, etc. in the raw. Put some clothes on!

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  36. omg some guy actually shaves his junk in the locker room? and rests his junk on the sink?! holy shit balls!!!

    i hate people at the gym. period. all of them. unless you are my friend.

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  37. I used to hate the girls who would blow dry their hair in front of the mirror with just a bra on. Yeah, I know you have great abs.

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  38. Unquestionably the funniest blog I have read today. It's so disturbing...because it's all so true!

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  39. Okay, the one about the naked shaving guy is just GROSS!!

    Things I hate:

    When women in the locker room push my stuff out of the way without apologizing...um...WTF?

    Here in Asia, lifting weights seems to be only for men...so when I approach the weights area, all the guys stare me down as if I don't belong there. What, feeling emasculated?

    The annoying personal trainers that try to chat with you, when you clearly have earphones in.

    The annoying guy/girl who just HAS to be on the treadmill/elliptical/bike next to you, even though there are plenty of other empty ones.

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  40. oh my. There are similar characters in the woman's locker rooms, like the older women who insist on talking with you as they air dry or, even better, sit on the bench WITHOUT A TOWEL!! Note to self: start bringing clorox wipes to gym. Gross.

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  41. Great post! I will surely follow these tips for it is for my own good.Thanks for sharing the post.

    Gym in Mohali

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