I wrote the below list before this intro and must say I feel much better. "Things that Bother Me .." may have to become a weekly feature on the Carrot. Pretty sure I did a good job of equally offending a plethora of different groups of people. Enjoy.
Things that Bother Me ...
- Minivans - As an outside sales rep and an avid cyclist I spend a lot of time among other drivers. This means I see a shitload of stupidity taking place on America's roads! I would be willing to bet that over 2/3rds of the head shaking acts of idiocy witnessed is perpetrated by a distracted motorist in a minivan. And a minivan ran over and killed my pug puppy 13 years ago. Suck it minivans.
- Boston Globe Hack Brian McGrory for this asinine article stating that cyclists should not be allowed on Boston Streets. Here is his email (mcgrory@globe.com) if you would like to let him know that he is indeed a douchebag!
- Parents who think their children are gifted geniuses - In most of these occurrences the parents are barely functioning morons so, to be fair, the children might be advanced considering the shallow swamp of a gene-pool they originated from. Most of these conversations start like this, "Little Jimmy is so gifted, he figured out how to walk up stairs already!" And they end like this, "Yeah, Mommy of the Year, you might want to turn around because your future rocket scientist is eating cat shit in the back yard."
- Cats - They just suck.
- FUN, FAIR, POSITIVE SOCCER - First off soccer blows but it blows even worse when the kids leagues do not keep score. Everybody is a winner! Yeah! Let's all go get ice cream now. This teaches kids that mediocrity is acceptable - Bullshit! You think the Chinese have fun, fair, positive soccer? If Ricky Bobby taught us anything it is that if you Ain't First, You're Last.
- People who think I am an asshole because when they ask me this question, "Can I ask you to do me a favor?" and I reply with, "No" and then quickly walk away. It is better to just ask and not give me a chance to get out of doing something I probably do not want to do ... just sayin. Maybe you could learn something from my honesty.
- The overuse of the phrase "Just Sayin ..."
- California - Just a failed social experiment that place turned out to be.
- California Signs Law to Teach Gay History in Schools - Listen, I am all for gay marriage and gay rights. That is not the problem. What the problem is - is that kids have zero idea what the US Constitution or the Declaration of Independence means. They have no idea what type of sacrifices were made by The Greatest Generation or by the Founding Fathers of our nation. Gay history is going to be taught in Social Studies Class - my concern is what is it going to take the place of? Should they ax the Civil War? Maybe modify the length of the chapter on the Great Depression? I am so sick of political correctness dictating what is taught in the classrooms.
- Pittsburgh Steelers All-Pro Linebacker James Harrison - Lovely interview asshat!
- People who still pay with checks - Okay dude, if you are reading this and are thinking, "I still pay with checks because ...." Let me just stop your excuse making self right now. Instead if commenting, log off the computer, get in your car (preferably not a minivan), drive to your bank, and get a freaking Debit Card. Everybody standing behind you at the local grocery store from this point forward will forever be grateful. Go. Now.
- The excruciatingly ridiculous amount of commercials on Versus during every broadcast of Le Tour de France.
- France - This has nothing to do with Le Tour. The Tour is so great that we tolerate the French each and every year during July. The French have always just bothered me. Surprised they haven't surrendered to Mark Cavendish yet?
- Emotional Dudes - Get a hold of yourself Nancy. Crying is for chicks and kids. Man-up and rub some dirt on it. Time to be a little less Dawson Leary and a lot more John Wayne. As a side note - Emotional dudes are probably the main reason California, France and Cats bother me.
If you have things that bother you that I missed please feel free to add them to the comments.
Hope everyone has a great weekend!
Jeff
I think this post has made my day. I am so inspired to write my own list of things that bother me.
ReplyDeleteI am still cracking up with your side note! Down with the minivans!
The fact that you know who Dawson Leary is doesn't help your point. Just sayin.
ReplyDelete"Have a good one"...
ReplyDeleteMy companies home base is Finland and the Swedes and Finns always ask... "good what?"..
I'd have more but I have to go feed my cat...
First off, I agree that California is just off its rocker. But for me, it's like having a drunk uncle. He's a fuck-up, but you love him. Secondly, I want to add something that pisses me off. I live in downtown San Diego where there are one-way streets (like many downtowns) and many tourists. This is a bad combination. This means that at any given time, 99% of people driving in my neighborhood have no fucking clue where they are going. Ever. Literally everybody is confused and driving erratically, constantly making corrections of their previous wrong turn. In the age of technology, look up where you're going first, then leave your house, people!!!
ReplyDeleteSince when is the Civil War not part of gay history? Wasn't all about fashion - blue clothes and grey clothes? I grew up in CA and that's what I remember.
ReplyDeleteOMG - this is AWESOME! I freaking hate mommy-mobiles. They suck big time. And the fact that one killed your dog... ugh!
ReplyDeleteYou used asshat in your post... that's awesome!
Now I'm a fain of soccer, but I'm totally not a fan of not keeping score. The only way to get better is to be told that you suck and have to work harder - some call it mean, I call it tough love. Not keeping score is like lying to your kids... not cool.
You know what bothers me?!
ReplyDeleteTHIS POST!
Happy freaking Friday you girly man.
;-)
Oh. And it also bothers me when men send winky faces to other men.
This post just about had me snorting Diet Dr. Pepper out of my nose.
ReplyDeleteAs a former Californian, I can't help but agree. Accomplishments are achieved by efforts, not sexual orientation.
I'm going to add that not having a freakin' Buc-ees in North Texas sucks bananas. We have the same amount of need for super-sized gas stations with 43 sparkling restrooms that serve Beaver Nuggets and killer made-to-order sandwiches that you do, further south.
I might just have to rent a mini-van, borrow a cat, bring my gifted child (no, really she is gifted), slap on a Viva France sticker on the bumper to go get a sandwich. I'll pay with a check and cry like a man if anyone stands in my way, just sayin'.
I think this heat is getting to me.
Keep score. Life is a fucking scoreboard. Think about it: Your checking account: Scoreboard. Your age: scoreboard. Your house value: scoreboard.
ReplyDeleteSo if we remove the scoreboard we might as well remove math. I teach my 5 year old step son this lesson every time we race:
Him: Can I have your medal?
Me: No
Him: Why not?
Me: Because I worked to get this. I was up at 3am and training by running, riding or swimming for hours on end and I earned this.
Him: So how do I get one?
Me: Tell me you want to run in a race and I'll sign you up right now but you have to initiate it as I won't register you because I said you should do it.
Lesson: Hard work = rewards.
I was going to email you about that asshat Harrison. Seriously what is that dudes problem? Let's forget the Goodell comments (very much true) but Ben and Mendy picking? Do the Steelers get to the Super Bowl with Charlie Batch and Willie Parker? What a douche.
This is awesome .. every reply has made me laugh. We can just start calling this bitchfest friday!!
ReplyDeleteLet me get in the minivan to buy food with a check for my gifted child's (who was upset that she was taken out of the soccer game because she was scoring too many goals so I cried since she was upset) feline before I go to the bank to deposit some checks so I can write more.
ReplyDeleteJust kidding - I don't have a cat.
Just sayin'
Ps: the French invited democracy, existentialism, and the ménage a trois. Those things are pretty cool.
I hate minivans! Don't even get me started on giving every kid a freakin' trophy at the end of whatever season the freakin' parent has put the kid through. Ricky Bobby is right! Second is first loser!!!!
ReplyDeleteCalifornia, what can I say. They now what to split the state in half and have 51st state. Like we need that!
The French may have given us democracy but they also gave us snails! Come on!
You know what bothers me? Satan or you may know him as Microsoft!!!
Just sayin, this post made my freaking day.
ReplyDeleteI will never understand not keeping score. That is the most retarded thing I have ever heard of or seen, and I pretty sure California came up with the idea.
Asshat is my new favorite word. I have always wanted to use it in a sentence.
The only cats I like are cougars. grrrr
Awesome. This blog definitely made my day.
ReplyDeleteMandy - Who doesn't love a good cougar??? Haha! Love it
ReplyDeleteThe Mrs. hates minivans and refuses to ever own or drive one. I'm not a fan of SUVs either. Yes, there is a time and a place for an SUV (not a minivan though), but there are far too many of them and they are far too big.
Looking forward to the next one in this series.
PS: I still have to write an f-ing check for some city crap. They won't take the electronic check I can do from online banking because then it doesn't come with the damn tear off slip. They have an online payment system but they charge a 2.5% service fee. For our last property tax, that would have cost almost an extra $50 (and here I thought Active.Com's processing fees were bad) F-bags. At least I am writing the checks from home and not in line.
I'm proud that I've been a Mom for seven years, and I still have my Jeep : )
ReplyDeleteThey keep score at my son's soccer games, and we always tell him who won. And I hate to say it, but I'm That Parent who yells at him to stop looking up at the sky and get after the frickin' ball.
Excellent post. I would be laughing but I'm more inclined to just nod in agreement ..... on each and every point.
ReplyDeleteAddendum to the point about not keeping score in soccer games and everyone getting trophies ...... exactly how many of you have finisher's medals? Same. Freaking. Thing. That's what makes cyclists cooler - they either get a podium finish or some road rash, sometimes both.
lol, wow you are on a roll!
ReplyDeleteThat Boston Globe article is indeed crazy - I've been to Boston and I'd say those drivers are the worst in the US (haven't been to NYC yet though). I emailed Brian to tell him he was an idiot.
As for keeping score in kids games, I could see not keeping score in soccer games until about age 6 or somewhere around there, but anything at 1st or 2nd grade or up seems like they should keep score. I remember in 3rd grade baseball I wanted to know which team was winning. It just seems like nowadays parents get so intense and into it that leagues do anything they can to keep the craziness of parents to a minimum. Did you hear about that parents brawl in Colorado at a 12 year olds baseball game?
I'm from CA and I didn't know about that gay history bill. That seems pretty idiotic, are they going to teach heterosexual history too then in social studies?
And CA is indeed a crazy state. We have so much spending in this state that we are almost bankrupt every yearly budget cycle. The main reason I stay here is pretty much everyone I know is here, and the weather is pretty insanely nice. I'll tolerate the politics and the high taxes because of that. I couldn't live in SF though, that city is nuts.
For James Harrison - that guy can say whatever he wants, but what bothers me is that he apologized about it today! If you are going to say something, stand behind it and don't apologize, or simply don't say anything at all! It's like he's being Lebron and saying something and then immediately apologizing.
For Tour de France coverage, I just DVR it and then watch it back - fast forwarding through a lot of the coverage to the major climbs or crashes and then the last 10 miles or so.
This post is the friggin best! I hate cats!
ReplyDeleteRight after "Just sayin" I'd put "It is what it is"
ReplyDeleteThat is a tired phrase!!
Hi Jeff. Longtime reader, first time commenter. Born and raised in california, love my state but wish it was run more like texas. You all (you'll? yahll? whatevs) have politics figured out, CA give their voters toooooo much power.
ReplyDeleteVoters: "Let's increase pensions for govt workers!"
State Senate: "Um, how are we gonna pay for it? You voters need to vote for a tax increase to pay for that."
Voters: "Nooooo! You guys figure it out! We're going surfing! and then rollerblading!"
I'd move to TX but I'm a big Vaj when it comes to heat/humidity.
Never had a minivan try and joust me but for some reason I get people driving toyota prius giving me a brush-by and brake-checking me. I'm like "hey man! same team! WTF?!?!"
Keep posting your blogs man, its good readin.
STeve
- Why the flip cant minian drivers drive normal, I mean, either they drive 15 mph below the speed limit, OR they drive it like Nascar
ReplyDelete- SECOND, if you own a muscle car, flipping drive it like you stole it, seriously, why the heck did you waste $40k on a sweet car to drive it slower then my deaqd grandmother
- Anti cyciling people are douche bags
- the WORSE, Mrs Check, sits there, watches all her stuff get scan, the cashiers tells her the price THEN she starts looking for her check book in a bag that makes our tranistion bags look like a coin purse while yelling at her "gifted" kids for whatever, seriously!!!!
- Sick of the commercials THEY ARE ALL THE SAME
- Cavendish is one of the "gifted" kids growing up that cries wayyyyyy toooooooo much, seriously, man up and stop throwing fits and freaking just ride
Jeff - This is the most EPIC blog post EVAR!
ReplyDeleteNothing here offends me. Yeah, the French suck sometimes, but seriously, you and Annie need to take a cycling tour through Provence in southern France. OMG! You won't want to come home :)
Sucks about California. If I am going to move anywhere else, that is the place to do it.
Why can't areas of TX be dry heat and 72 degrees every day with nice roads and decent mountains? Or is there?
lolololol!!!
ReplyDeletehahaha
that crying pic
and totally lol @ Annie - haha
patting myself on the back I dont know who that is
second the motion "it is what it is"
great post great comments
You had me at "things that bother me. And then I read it 8 times. I agree with almost everything. But I appreciate it all and that's what is important.
ReplyDeleteCats Suck! Enough said!
ReplyDeleteWorking with Jeff gives me an opportunity to hear Devine pearls of wisdom such as this on a daily basis. I am truly blessed. We are all now priveledged to have a recorded archive of these important truths. We can all live better lives by insuring we avoid personally contributing to these evil actions. We can too make the world a better place by pointing out to other guilty parties their evil ways and tell them to check themselves.
ReplyDeleteJust sayin.
Oh yah, give our 51st state, Southern California, a chance.
Wow… tally up the score…
ReplyDeleteSince I am 50% of the things that bother you do I have to leave?
-
Even if all this makes me LOL?
You are one of a kind. Congrats for your humor and candor. I'm with you on the cats. Soccer is so exciting. I love 90 minutes of a game where it ends up a 0-0 tie. I love the Flopping too. Oh, and the completely rational fans. I think soccer is going to take off in the country like the metric system did.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all...
ReplyDeleteYes.
Second of all, people in minivans cant drive because they are being forced to handle all sorts of child "emergencies" like gum that's out of flavor, drink cups that are done, drink cups that need to be filled, snack bowls that are empty, snack bowls that need to be filled, changing the radio station, blindly trying to find the book on the floor (which book? THAT book? where? THERE? honey I can't see while I'm trying to DRIVE A CAR, just wait till be get home) and then the driver realizes if they keep getting the kids all of this stuff, of course they are going to think it's as easy as pie to get the stuff while DRIVING A MOVING VEHICLE!!
Yes, this is me, and I realize this and I still get all that damn stuff.
Oh, but I don't drive a minivan :D
and thirdly...
Yes.
People who participate in Flash Mobs should all be buried in shallow unmarked graves.
ReplyDeleteThis is awesome! You should see minivan drivers in Ohio - it is probably WORSE than anywhere else! History is doomed to repeat itself at the rate we are going...I worry about our future and our children's future.
ReplyDeleteYou know what else bothers me? People who can't spell or use grammar incorrectly. I was glad to see your post was spot-on! ;)
Thanks for the post - it was very refreshing!
I just read every single one of your comments and they all had me totally cracking up!!
ReplyDeleteGreat post! Totally made my night!
hilarious man. Must be back into normal training mode and your mind is working again huh? :)
ReplyDeleteAgree across the board, great summary.
Can we carry spike strips as cyclists and toss them out at mini vans to disable them on the roads? Just sayin ;) gay French Asshat Pussies (cat reference)
Yup, love it.
Love the post! Thanks for being "that guy" who says exactly what he thinks. I am working on being "that girl"...
ReplyDeleteDear Jeff,
ReplyDeleteI am concerned with your recent angry post about things that bother you. Have you sought professional help?
Do you need a hug?
I think Triumph the Insult Comic Dog said it best "I am only familiar with common French terms like "We surrender."
I hate minivans. that is all.
ReplyDeleteMy kid IS a genius, I drive a minivan, own 10 cats and live in CA!!!
ReplyDeleteFor real...I love soccer, if you don't play it, you don't get it. I am, however, not a fan of not keeping score and everybody wins. It goes hand in hand with 'reward me for just showing up for work'; the 'me' generation. ugh!
as for debit cards, I've had my number stolen by a cashier and the bank doesn't cover your losses like they do credit cards....just sayin' ;P
This post just made me laugh out loud at work. Don't even get me started on the BS that is fun, fair, positive soccer...we made a point to stay far, far away from it when our kiddos decided they wanted to start playing. Kids have to learn to win and lose and that's all there is to that!
ReplyDeleteGood laugh. I like soccer, but screw that 'everyone winns' 'don't keep score' bs. Watch this guy's stand up if you haven't already: Christopher Titus' Neverlution.
ReplyDelete